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During my extended leave of absence I learned two things. One is that I have an intense dislike for all aspects of computers that do not directly relate to them actually working. Now I could stop right there and have a believable albeit half-assed excuse for two months of inactivity, so I will. Two is that despite leaving Fail Math as a virtual ghost town headlined by a uninspired sight gag, occasional access log checks revealed that there exists a sizable market for video game pornography which many hapless surfers believe this site will fulfill, given such common Google search terms as "pervert arcade games" and "god of war sex". If there's one thing I've always wanted to do, it's to sell out, so here's a video of the Fahrenheit / Indigo Prophecy sex scene Carla Valenti Lucas Kane cut movie cutscene cinematic sequence fuck bone screw hump horizontal mambo. Also, more frequent updates will soon return, if you're interested in that sort of thing.
A box quote if I've ever heard one - 07/28/05 - Sidney
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From a recent interview with Indigo Prophecy director David Cage:
| Game |
Offense |
ESRB Rating |
 Max Payne 2 |
Sordid content including nudity built into the game, accessible by minor hack of game code |
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 Mafia |
Crude sex scene involving two low poly models rubbing against one another in a vague approximation of coitus |
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 God of War |
Simplistic sex minigame involving manipulating controller to simulate sex acts |
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 GTA San Andreas |
Simplistic sex minigame involving two low poly models rubbing against one another, accessible by minor hack of game code |
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 Manhunt |
Sawing off a police officer's head with a length of wire while blood spurts from the severed carotid artery and splatters over the screen and a voice in your ear calls you a faggot cocksucker and tells you you must continue murdering everyone |
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In other news I want to give a shout out to the internet for making it impossible to find a single decent screenshot of the sex scenes in either Mafia or God of War. For a medium described by a million idiot humorists as being invented for the purpose of transmitting pornography, you sure do a lousy job of it. Way to go
"Manifest Destiny" is the commonly held term used to describe the 19th century belief that the United States had the divine right to spread as far and as wide as its Indian-slaughtering machinery would allow. Sadly, there's no congruous 21st-century term to describe the fact that America now owns the world. This lack of proper terminology leads to occasional confusion, such as when misguided individuals mention the "metre" or the "Genève Convention" or other faggy provincialisms that haven't yet discovered they are obsolete before the steel hooves of the American behemoth.
A few days ago a group of researchers released their "one-act interactive drama" entitled Façade, complete with superfluously Gallic cedilla which shows that even a postgrad student can hold charmingly naïve views of the world. If you truly want to plumb the depths of the strife dividing a whiny yuppie couple, feel free to pick it up. But if you get stuck, you can check out the Fail Math Façade Walkthrough for a speedy conclusion.
Game Quiz - 06/13/05 - Staff
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Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is a dark and gritty third person game where you can run around beating people up. Luckily you can also do about 3000 other things in the game, up to and including having sex. For us this was an interesting and educational lesson into just how human body parts notch together, but more to the point it helps illustrate how cramming a bunch of not particularly fun or innovative minigames into one master overgame can end up making the whole package more fun and interesting, sort of like Wario Ware with murder.
The corollary of this is that a game revolving around an old and tired gameplay mechanic has a much higher chance of being terrible, especially if it doesn't include "theft" and "auto" in its title. In unrelated news, we've thrown together a video game quiz for your enjoyment.
Console Gamer Attention Span Found - 06/07/05 - Sidney
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From a recent Gamespot preview of Operation Flashpoint for the XBox:
For instance, since you move around with a rapid military gait, you aren't going to be able to fire or reload while moving. (Technically, you can fire while running, but your accuracy is impaired to the point where you won't hit anything more than a few feet away from you.) What's annoying about this restriction on firing is that it takes you a half-second or so to ready yourself to fire after you stop moving. Hopefully Bohemia will spend some time tweaking the game for the console audience before it hits shelves.
MadMinute Games has released a demo of their PC wargame, "The History Channel Civil War: The Battle of Bull Run - Take Command: 1861". PC Gamer awarded "The History Channel Civil War: The Battle of Bull Run - Take Command: 1861" an 82%, an impressive score for a niche sim from independent developer. Additionally, "The History Channel Civil War: The Battle of Bull Run - Take Command: 1861" was a finalist in the 2004 Independent Games Festival. So try out "The History Channel Civil War: The Battle of Bull Run - Take Command: 1861" today!
Coming Soon: Streetz Of Rage? - 05/17/05 - Sidney
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 There's no point in even showing one of the screenshots because it's the same ugly shit devoid of any glimmer of creative thought that we have seen most recently in NARC and before that in the other 400 games where you stalk the mean streets beating up random thugs. But it takes a special breed of shitty game to even fuck up the concept art portion which is where the designers generally pay talented people to make cool looking pictures that will of course look nothing like the real game. When even that stuff looks like a portfolio piece for a first year community college art student maybe it's time to just burn down the whole studio.
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E3 hasn't even started yet but Capcom has already clinched the title of Worst Game Of Show with Final Fight: Streetwise
The gameplay will still offer a lot of hand-to-hand fighting, complete with combos that finish off with gritty street-fighting moves like haymakers to the nose, and knees to the groin
In the 15 years since the original made its debut Capcom appears to have forgotten the entire purpose of Final Fight: you are beating the living shit out of people. Constantly. Up down and sideways. When Cody or Guy or, god forbid, Mike Haggar is punching people, every single fucking punch is a haymaker to the nose. I want to play the entire game delivering nothing but haymakers to the nose. And knees to the groin, because they help fill in the rhythmic gaps when my knuckles are sore from too much nose punching. But when I want to go extra crazy and bust out a "special move" maybe I fly up in the air and kick everyone on screen or perhaps do a head butt or if I am feeling extra saucy a spine crushing pile driver, not another fucking nose love tap. If hormone-raged ninnies in the middle school parking lot can pull off a move it does not get to be called "special".
The graphical style of Streetwise is gritty, with the city plunged in a perpetually grimy darkness. The character designs seem more conservative than in the original Final Fight, which offered '80s-style punks with colored mohawks, biker chicks in dominatrix-style clothes, and burly wrestlers who bore a suspicious resemblance to Andre the Giant. By contrast, the characters in the first screenshots of Streetwise are clad in typical urban gear, like gold chains, baggy cargo pants, and bucket hats.
Over and beyond American Mcgee-izing the Final Fight universe into a dank brown parody of itself, just because LL Cool J wore a bucket hat in one of his videos does not mean it's now considered "typical" urban gear as opposed to being designed to help disguise the fact that the game will feature somewhere between 2 and 3 unique enemy character models.
Since the game is now fully 3D, you'll be able to explore the city in a somewhat open-ended nature, finding NPCs to interact with who'll give you missions to complete as you inch closer to rescuing Cody.
Jesus. "Give you missions"? Does every game need to be Grand Theft Auto? If I am a pit fighter and someone has kidnapped my brother, the first thing I am going to do is punch people in the nose and/or groin until they tell me where my brother is. This will also be the last thing I do, as well as most of the midsection except for the parts where people ask me to find their dog for them and I mash the attack button until they are pulp. The progress will necessarily be linear as petrified bystanders all point in the direction of my ultimate foe in order to deflect my rage.
You'll also be able to activate special modes while fighting, including an "instinct mode" that increases your attack speed and accuracy, and allows you to combine fighting moves with weapon use. The "countertime" mode is a system for defense that lets you slow down time by parrying and countering the attacks enemies use on you.
I hate you, Capcom.
E3 2005 Preview - 05/10/05 - Sidney
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At last year's E3 Andrew declared Rumble Roses to be his game of the show. The combination of luscious CGI tits and enough intentional camp to keep it from seeming overly creepy was sufficient for Andrew to feel capable of singing its praises without thinking himself a pervert. What he failed to take into account is that everyone else thinks he's a pervert, and his involuntary moan-honks when the poor presenter activated the mud wrestling mode in his vicinity were enough to attract security. His attempts to explain the noises as nose-blowing by grabbing my shirt lapel then got me dragged along for the ride. Suffice to say, we're not allowed into E3 this year, but Chuck and Floyd Smith are, if you get my drift. In any event, here's our list of shitty E3 crap.
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